My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
there is puke in my bra ... again
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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