We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
