pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
