God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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