He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
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Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
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you had me at cake vodka
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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