guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
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I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
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You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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