apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Still dying that you shit outside
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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