So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
