you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
