There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
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A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
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WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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