i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You can't motorboat a personality
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
