Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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