Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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