when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Randomize
