Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
