Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
