I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
