yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
