don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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