if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I am available for nakedness
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
