Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
