I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
