I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
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now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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