Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
