Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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