And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
