"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
