I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
