Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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