I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
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I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
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