we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
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How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
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i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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