my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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