There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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