I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you didnt know i had herpes?
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I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
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All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1