So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
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And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
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I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!