Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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