dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?