god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
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Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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