the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
and she was petting her beer can
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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