xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
