so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
