I think I died a long time ago.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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