honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
