I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
