also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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