New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Blood and glitter go together right?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
