i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
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I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
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I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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