I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
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I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Just invented taco cereal.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
As shirtless as possible
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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