hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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