it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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