i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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