Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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