I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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