its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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