I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
