It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
