I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
